EP 104: What Do You Do When One Partner Grows and the Other Feels Left Behind?
Have you ever felt yourself growing, and then quietly wondered if your marriage could really handle it?
Maybe you’re a high-achieving Christian woman. You’re stepping into leadership. Your confidence is shifting. God is stretching you into a new season. And instead of feeling celebrated at home, you feel tension.
Your goals are changing.
Your identity is evolving.
And somewhere deep down, you’re afraid your growth might threaten the relationship you care about most.
This is far more common than we talk about.
And it’s exactly what my husband, Terry, and I unpacked together on a recent episode of Don’t Waste the Chaos: what happens when one partner grows - and the other feels left behind.
Not in theory.
Not in a “five easy steps” way.
But in the real, messy, lived experience of marriage.
Growth Isn’t the Problem - Unspoken Fear Is
One of the biggest mistakes couples make is assuming that growth itself is dangerous.
It isn’t.
What is dangerous is what growth can trigger if it goes unnamed:
insecurity
comparison
fear of abandonment
loss of identity
resentment that quietly hardens
When one partner is sprinting - professionally, spiritually, or personally - and the other is downshifting, recovering from burnout, or questioning their purpose, it can feel like you’re suddenly living in two different worlds.
You’re still married.
You still love each other.
But the pace is off.
And if you don’t talk about it, the gap fills itself, with assumptions.
The Myth That Couples Must Grow at the Same Pace
Early in marriage, many couples assume alignment means sameness.
Same pace.
Same season.
Same energy.
Same ambition.
But real maturity in marriage comes when you realize:
You don’t have to grow the same way to grow together.
Terry and I have lived this out in multiple seasons:
when he left a salaried role for commission-based sales (terrifying for me at the time)
when he later downshifted after years of burnout while I was ramping up and launching my business
when we both had to confront how much of our identity was tied to productivity, income, and being “the power couple”
There were seasons when one of us was energized and expanding - and the other just wanted rest.
That doesn’t mean something is wrong.
It means the season requires communication instead of control.
A Marriage Rule That Saved Us From Resentment
When Terry left his salaried job to go into sales, I was scared.
I like predictability.
I like knowing what the paycheck is.
I like security.
But I also knew something critical in that moment:
If I agreed to this, I could never weaponize it later.
No “I told you so.”
No holding it over his head if it got hard.
No quiet resentment disguised as support.
Too many couples allow growth without actually backing it.
And that half-support is a setup for failure.
Real support sounds like:
“I’m in. Let’s build a plan.”
“We’ll reassess together.”
“I believe in you, even when this stretches me.”
That rule shaped how we handled every growth decision after that.
When One Partner Is Sprinting and the Other Is Recovering
One of the most challenging seasons for us came when Terry was decompressing after years of burnout—and I was energized, building, creating, and moving fast.
I wasn’t wrong for wanting to build.
He wasn’t wrong for needing to slow down.
But if either of us had tried to force the other into our pace, it would have broken trust.
Instead, we learned something critical:
You don’t need equal speed. You need shared goals and honest timelines.
We had to talk about:
how long a season would last
what support looked like practically
where rest ended and avoidance began
where ambition ended and identity confusion started
That kind of clarity keeps growth from turning into resentment.
Identity Is the Real Issue (Not Ambition)
When someone feels left behind, the pain usually isn’t about money, success, or schedules.
It’s about identity.
Questions start to surface:
Who am I if I’m not producing at the same level?
What happens if my spouse outgrows me?
What if I lose my sense of purpose?
What if my value disappears when the grind stops?
This is why Terry has spent years working on identity - now even building a 365-day devotional around it.
Because if your identity is rooted in:
your role
your income
your productivity
your season
Then any shift will feel threatening.
But when identity is anchored in Christ, seasons can change without shaking the foundation.
Supporting Growth Without Losing Yourself
This is especially important for women.
There’s a real difference between:
supporting your partner’s growth, and
disappearing inside the support role
If you wake up one day saying:
“I don’t even know who I am anymore - I’m just a wife, just a mom…”
That isn’t your spouse’s fault.
And it isn’t your children’s fault.
It’s a signal that your identity has been outsourced.
You don’t need to burn your life down to reclaim yourself.
You need ownership, and honest conversations.
Healthy marriages don’t require self-erasure.
They require mutual responsibility for identity.
Stop Working on Each Other - Start Serving Each Other
One of the most grounding truths Terry shared was this:
Most marriages struggle because spouses try to work on each other instead of working on themselves and serving one another.
No one thrives under:
control disguised as concern
advice that wasn’t asked for
“support” that really means pressure
But nearly everyone responds to:
curiosity
humility
service without strings
A powerful reframe for couples in misaligned seasons is this simple commitment:
“I’m going to work on myself, and serve you.”
That one sentence can de-escalate years of tension.
Faith as the Anchor in Shifting Seasons
When identity is shifting, faith becomes the stabilizer.
Not because it makes growth easier, but because it makes it meaningful.
When your worth is secure in Christ:
success doesn’t inflate you
rest doesn’t terrify you
hard seasons don’t define you
Gratitude even begins to extend to the hard things:
the failed plan
the unexpected detour
the season that didn’t make sense
That perspective shift changes marriages - not overnight, but deeply.
If This Is You, Start Here
If you and your spouse are in a season where:
one of you is growing fast
the other feels stuck or uncertain
conversations feel tense or avoided
Start with one step:
Name what’s actually happening - without blame.
Then ask:
What season am I in?
What season are you in?
What do we need from each other right now?
How long do we think this season lasts?
What does support actually look like?
Growth doesn’t have to cost your marriage.
But silence might.
