EP 103: Does God Expect You to Carry It All? What High-Capacity Christian Women Need to Hear
If you’ve been the strong one your whole life, you probably don’t even notice you’re doing it anymore.
You keep the wheels on. You carry the weight. You problem-solve before anyone else has even recognized the problem exists. You handle the awkward conversation. You take care of the details. You swallow your disappointment. You figure it out.
And let me be clear: that kind of strength can serve you well.
It can bring success: professionally, financially, relationally. It can make you the person others trust. The one who gets results. The one who doesn’t crumble.
But there’s a shadow side, too.
Because sometimes being “the strong one” isn’t strength anymore. It’s a habit. A reflex. A role you can’t step out of - even when it’s costing you more than you realize.
And when that happens, your strength can turn into:
burnout
isolation
resentment
a leadership bottleneck
and a culture that depends on you instead of growing beyond you
That’s not leadership maturity. That’s survival mode dressed up like excellence.
The “Strong One” Trap: When It Helps… and When It Hurts
Here’s what’s tricky about this pattern: it often starts as a strength.
Maybe you had to be independent early. Maybe you learned that competence kept you safe. Maybe you noticed that nobody was coming to rescue you, so you became your own rescue plan.
And yes, this can build capacity.
But what happens when you’re so used to being the capable one that you stop letting yourself be human?
A lot of high-capacity women hide their needs - emotionally, physically, professionally. Not because they don’t have needs…but because they’ve learned it feels unsafe, inconvenient, or “too much” to voice them.
So instead of asking directly, they do one of two things:
They eat the discomfort and keep moving.
They make quiet relational pivots, until the relationship dies.
That second one is more common than most people want to admit.
You don’t say, “That hurt.”
You don’t say, “That wasn’t okay.”
You don’t say, “Here’s what I need.”
You just adjust. You withdraw. You change how available you are. You become a little colder. A little more controlled. A little less trusting.
And eventually you look up and realize: We don’t really have a relationship anymore.
That can happen in friendships. In marriage. In business partnerships. On teams.
Not because you’re cruel.
Because you got tired of carrying what you never named.
Why High-Capacity Women Learn to Hide Needs
Some of it is socialization. Some of it is gender norms. Some of it is workplace conditioning.
From a young age, many girls are taught to be accommodating. And that can conflict with assertiveness.
When a man is decisive, he’s “a leader.”
When a woman is decisive, she’s “aggressive,” “intense,” or “rubs people the wrong way.”
And if you’ve lived that long enough, you start doing a quiet internal math problem:
If I speak up, will I be punished socially?
If I advocate for myself, will I be seen as difficult?
If I name my needs, will people call me emotional?
So you choose the safer route: you keep performing strength.
You carry it. You handle it. You keep it moving.
But the cost adds up.
The Hidden Costs of Being “The Strong One”
Let’s name what this looks like in leadership and business.
1) You don’t ask for help
Not because you don’t need it.
Because it feels easier to do it yourself than to risk disappointment.
2) You carry your team emotionally
You manage moods. You anticipate problems. You absorb stress. You become the regulator for everyone else.
3) You skip breaks and ignore limits
You treat your body like a machine. You push through until you can’t.
4) You accept praise but not support
You’ll take a compliment. But you won’t let someone actually help you carry it.
And here’s the business impact:
morale suffers because everything runs through you
delegation collapses because you don’t trust others to do it “right”
innovation drops because you’re too busy holding the system together
retention suffers because your culture rewards heroics over sustainability
You might call it “high standards.”
But if the whole operation depends on you being superhuman, it isn’t a standard. It’s a liability.
The Martyr Mindset: When Hidden Burdens Create Resentment
This is where the “strong one” habit gets especially dangerous.
Because if you carry hidden burdens long enough, you become a martyr—not because you wanted to, but because the pattern demands it.
You do more than your fair share.
You don’t ask for what you need.
You assume people should notice.
And then one day it comes out sideways:
“I do everything around here.”
“I’m carrying this team on my back.”
“Nobody values me.”
Let me say this plainly:
Most people are not walking around taking notes on everything you do.
They’re not tallying your invisible labor. They’re not measuring your mental load. They may not even know what you’re carrying.
If you never name it, you’re training people to assume you’ve got it.
And then you get mad at them for learning the lesson you taught.
That’s not condemnation - it's clarity. And clarity is how we change.
The Shift: Strong Without Hiding
The goal is not to stop being strong.
The goal is to stop confusing strength with silence.
There is a version of strength that includes being seen.
There is a version of leadership that includes needs.
There is a version of maturity that says: I’m capable - and I’m still human.
A practical five-part framework to start shifting
1) Research and preparation
If you’re advocating for yourself professionally, come prepared:
know your market range
document outcomes and wins
bring performance evidence
This isn’t about being defensive. It’s about not walking into important conversations hoping your value will be “obvious.”
2) Confidence and assertiveness
Own your achievements. Step into your voice.
You don’t have to come in like a bull in a china shop.
But watering yourself down to be more palatable usually locks you into environments where you’re expected to stay watered down.
That’s not “humility.” That’s self-erasure.
3) Effective communication (and the “pregnant pause”)
Say what you need - then stop talking.
Don’t massage the room because other people are uncomfortable with your clarity.
Example:
“I’m not comfortable with that timeline.”
“I need support on this project.”
“That decision impacts my scope, and we need to revisit expectations.”
Then pause.
Let people respond. Let them sit with it.
4) Flexibility and creativity
If the standard route isn’t open, look for alternatives:
role design adjustments
mentorship
development plans
creative scope alignment
It’s not anyone else’s job to manage your career or your wellbeing. You have to take ownership - without acting like you’re alone.
5) Negotiate with data (not just emotion)
This works in business and at home.
In business: salary, scope, compensation structure, promotion track.
At home: shared load, routines, responsibilities, expectations.
If you lead, you’re creating pathways for your team to feel supported. That starts with walking the talk yourself.
Where Faith Intersects: Needs Aren’t Sin. Pretending You’re Infinite Is.
This is where I want to get really direct.
Having needs is not a sin.
Limits are not a character flaw. They’re part of being human. They are a gift from God.
The problem is when we act like we’re infinite.
When we refuse rest. When we refuse help. When we refuse honesty. When we insist on carrying everything alone, then we’re not modeling strength. We’re modeling self-reliance that eventually turns into pride.
Galatians reminds us that our worth and voice are not ranked by gender or role - we are one in Christ Jesus. Your voice matters. Your needs matter.
And Proverbs paints the picture of a woman of valor: a woman who works hard and speaks wisdom, without restraint. That doesn’t mean reckless. It means anchored. Not shrinking. Not apologizing for having a voice.
Jesus modeled empowering others. He did not model hiding needs and suffering alone.
If your strength is costing you your health, your joy, your relationships, or your integrity - something needs to shift.
A Simple Action Step: Do a Needs Audit This Week
Here’s your homework, because insight without action becomes another form of avoidance.
Take 10 minutes and write answers to these:
Where have I hidden my needs?
What do I need to feel valued, known, and secure right now?
What’s one small, specific ask I can make this week?
What stays broken if I don’t say it?
What changes if I do?
Then pick one place to speak clearly, without over-explaining.
That’s the start.
For Leaders: Build a Culture Where Needing Is Strength
If you’re building a company, leading a team, or carrying responsibility for other humans - this matters.
Because when high-capacity leaders stop hiding, the whole organization benefits:
engagement improves
retention improves
innovation improves
delegation becomes real
your culture gets healthier and less fragile
Here are three leadership moves that change culture fast:
Create safe spaces for vulnerability (regular check-ins that aren’t performative)
Normalize delegation and kill the hero complex (systems over saviors)
Reinforce value beyond output (people are more than what they produce)
You don’t need a formal “program” to do this. You need consistent leadership practices that make support normal, not shameful.
You Don’t Have to Carry It Alone
If you’ve been the strong one, I want you to hear this:
You were not made for hidden burdens.
And you don’t have to become a martyr to prove your value.
Your worth in Christ is constant. It’s not tied to being the hero.
If you want help building the practical side of this - policies, structure, compliance, compensation, and culture that reduces chaos instead of multiplying it - that’s exactly why I built HR in a Box.
It’s for leaders who want to stop white-knuckling the people side of business and start leading with clarity.
Because strength is a gift.
But strength doesn’t require silence.
