EP 120: How to Have a Performance Conversation With an Employee (Step by Step)

By Kerri M. Roberts | Don't Waste the Chaos Podcast

You know the conversation I'm talking about. The employee who's consistently late. The one creating tension on your team. The one putting up bare minimum numbers every single month. And every time you work up the nerve to address it, another reason pops up to wait one more week. You've got a lot on your plate. They've got something going on at home. You don't want to seem ungrateful after asking them to take on a special project. And so the conversation doesn't happen. Again. Today that ends. I'm going to walk you through exactly what to say, how to say it, and how to make sure it actually changes something.

Why We Avoid Performance Conversations (And Why That's Costing You)

Most business owners will tell you they don't mind having hard conversations. They'll say what needs to be said. But when it comes to their people, they go soft — and I've watched it happen for over 20 years.

Here's what I see driving the avoidance:

• You don't want to be the bad guy

• You're not sure you're actually "allowed" to say something

• Last time you tried to address something, it went badly

• You don't know what to actually say

• You hired this person and feel responsible for them

That last one is worth unpacking. If you hired them and feel responsible for them, you're also accountable to share the final 10% — the honest feedback that actually helps them grow or course-correct. Here's a stat that didn't surprise me but still stings: 69% of managers say they're uncomfortable giving feedback to employees. That's a problem. Because avoidance doesn't protect the relationship. It slowly destroys it.

The Real Cost of Staying Silent

Before we get into the framework, let me make the cost of inaction real — because most leaders underestimate it. Your best employees are watching. Every high performer on your team sees exactly what's happening. When you don't address it, you signal that the behavior is acceptable to you. And your best people start looking for the exit. If you think your employees don't notice, you're lying to yourself. I promise you they've been talking about it long before you even recognized it was a problem.

The problem compounds. What starts as a small issue becomes a documented pattern that's much harder to address later. You've let it go once, twice, three times — and now when you finally bring it up, the employee pushes back: "You've never said anything before." They're not wrong.

You become the bottleneck. You and your team start working around this person instead of through them. That cost comes directly out of your time, energy, and team morale.

You're exposed legally. When it finally blows up — and it will — you'll have no paper trail, no documentation, and significant legal risk. At-will employment doesn't protect you from a wrongful termination suit if you've never given the employee feedback and then suddenly terminate them.

I had a client recently who waited too long. The manager eventually confronted the employee — but by that point, had built up so much frustration that the conversation came out heated and threatening. The employee went to HR. Now the manager wants to terminate for performance, and I have to tell them: that termination will look like retaliation, because the employee has already filed a complaint. We created this problem by waiting.

Address it now. Before it gets here.

The 5-Step Performance Conversation Framework

Here's exactly what to do — and what to say at each step.

Step 1: Set the Meeting With Intention — Not an Ambush

Do not pull someone aside in the hallway. Don't catch them walking by and say "hey, do you have a sec?" That kind of ambush is usually a sign of insecurity on the leader's part, and it puts the employee on the defensive before the conversation even starts. Schedule a private one-on-one. Give them a heads up about the topic. Here's what to say: "Hey, I'd like to connect this week. I want to talk through how things are going on your end." That's it. No drama. No big setup. Private on both calendars, scheduled soon — not three weeks from now.

Step 2: Lead With Observation, Not Accusation

When you open the conversation, use "I've noticed" — not "you always" or "someone told me." You want to be specific, behavioral, and factual.

Examples:

• "I've noticed the last three project deadlines were missed by a day or two. I want to understand what's happening."

• "I've noticed you and [name] have been having trouble communicating."

• "I've noticed we've had a few client complaints about your tone in emails."

Just the observation. Don't pile on everything else yet. Just set the stage.

Step 3: Get Curious Before You Get Directive

You've rehearsed this. You know what you want to say. You're ready to lay it all out. Stop. Ask first. "What's getting in the way?" Then wait. Actually listen. You might learn something that completely changes your approach — a personal situation, a workload problem, a genuine miscommunication about expectations. Come in curious before you come in with the solution.

Step 4: Be Clear About What Needs to Change

This is where most managers fall apart. They hint. They soften the message until it disappears. The employee leaves the meeting not realizing anything substantive was communicated. Don't do that. State the expectation directly: "Going forward, I need deadlines to be met — or flagged at least 48 hours in advance if they won't be. That's the expectation." "On this team, we have to be able to communicate with each other. We don't have to be best friends, but we need to be able to work together on projects. That's the standard." No thousand-word explanation. Just the expectation. Then ask: "What are you willing to do to make that happen?"

Step 5: Agree on Next Steps — Then Document It

Close the conversation with clarity on both sides. "Here's what I'm committing to, and here's what I need from you. Let's check in again in two weeks." Then — and this is the step people skip — send a follow-up email summarizing what you discussed. This isn't just covering yourself legally (though it does that). It's also ensuring you were actually understood. More times than you'd think, a leader walks away from a conversation convinced they were crystal clear, and the employee walks away with a completely different understanding of what was said. End the email with: "Can you confirm receipt?" Not "Is this okay with you?" Not "Does this make sense?" You're not asking permission. You're confirming understanding.

What to Do When It Goes Sideways

You're thinking about your specific situation right now and you know it won't go cleanly. Here's how to handle the most common derailments.

If they get defensive: Stay calm. Do not match their energy. You are the professional in this room. Say: "I hear that this is hard to hear. I still need us to get to a clear agreement before we leave this conversation."

If they start blaming others: Acknowledge what they're sharing, then redirect. You can hear the context without letting it derail the expectation you need to set.

If they cry: Keep a box of tissues nearby. Acknowledge the emotion genuinely. Give them a moment. Then gently return to the substance. If they need to step out, that's okay — but make clear the conversation needs to be completed. "Take the time you need. When you come back, we'll need to finish this."

If nothing changes after the conversation: That's a different conversation — and that's when HR documentation and a performance improvement plan become the tools. You've done the right thing by addressing it directly first. Now we formalize it.

If you say it wrong: An imperfect conversation had is still better than a perfect conversation avoided. Every time. Have it anyway.

Your Action Step: Schedule It Before Friday

If you've been avoiding this conversation, I want you to open your calendar right now and block 30 minutes before Friday. Invite the employee. Tell them it's a check-in on their role and performance. The longer you wait, the harder it gets. The more it costs you. Your top performers are watching. Your credibility as a leader is on the line. You'll feel so much better once you've had it — even if it's messy. And the next one will be easier.

Need a Framework You Can Come Back To?

If you want the tools to build performance conversations into your regular management rhythm — not just when things blow up — that's exactly what we cover in HR Foundations, my self-paced course for small business owners and leaders. Four modules. 12+ tools and templates. One-time investment under $400. It's the same framework I've delivered to consulting clients for years — packaged so you can work through it on your own schedule.

Get access to HR Foundations →

And if you're past the point of DIY and need hands-on help, reach out to Salt & Light Advisors directly.

This post is based on Episode 119 of the Don't Waste the Chaos podcast. Listen on Spotify | Listen on Apple Podcasts | Watch on YouTube

Kerri M. Roberts is an HR strategist, consultant, author, and founder of Salt & Light Advisors. She helps small business owners and leaders build strong teams, fix broken HR systems, and create cultures that retain good people. New episodes of Don't Waste the Chaos drop every Tuesday.